Tag Archives: father

Saved! Part I

Lies

can do

a lot of harm.

 

Have you ever done some crazy stuff? Did you ever think that some of the crazy stuff you did was maybe because you believed a lie? Lies can do a lot of harm.

My son Josh did some crazy self-destructive stuff because he believed a lie, this lie caused him to attempt suicide twice.

As best a father as I  set out to be, there was always a point where we reached a wall. Just when we were building trust, it would get sabotaged by a misunderstanding, a fight, an accusation. This was followed by shame, (I hate shame!). Anger…and dis-trust would creep back in real subtle like. No home run, no touch down, no big break through.

This lie was implanted in Josh at the age of 3 or 4.

In this true story Josh is 22. What I am saying is that my relationship with my son was blocked for 18 years because he believed a lie. My ability to be a father to him was prevented by this lie.

Up until the night of July 4, 2009 when the lie revealed itself.

When I finally came face to face with this beast of a lie, after losing out on 18 years of my life, you bet I was ready to get Josh back, and thank God, I did.

Excerpt from my book “The Coolness of Josh” by Marc Swift:

                                                   Saved

Somehow I was almost glad we were coming face-to-face with this hate from my son. I had lived with this hatred in him toward me almost all his life, without knowing why it was there.

Now, sitting face-to-face with Josh’s hostility, I could hear what the wounded heart of the boy inside him was thinking:

‘If my father loved me he would have been there to protect me.’

That was painful to me, because I always wanted to be there for my son.

And then, praying for healing, something dreadful dawned on me. There was more that was being implied.

I realized that the first lie had gotten twisted, like the wicker in the baskets we both hated and laughed about during our healing phone conversation.

Josh’s wound was relentlessly festering with doubt, as if trapped in a spell that slowly poisoned and steadily haunted him for years with a malicious accusation:

‘The reason your father wasn’t there to protect you, was that your father was in on it. He was giving it the ‘okay’–and looking the other way. Your dad didn’t want to protect you because he didn’t love you. He wanted to hurt you’.

Aiding and abetting.

That I had been a sadistic, passive accomplice to my wife’s molestation and abuse.

Now I knew the reason for the hatred.

My wife and the devil through her had instilled it in Josh, against me, his father.

Our future seemed to totter in the balance, ever so briefly, while both Josh and Dr. Bendler stared at me, awaiting my response.

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The Power of Love

Happy Josh Marc Swift

Happy Josh
Marc Swift

“The power of love is a curious thing.

Makes one man weep and another man sing.

Change a hawk into a little white dove, more than a feeling,

That’s the power of love…

You don’t need money, don’t need fame,

You don’t need no credit card to ride this train…

With a little help from above, you’ll feel the power of love…

You won’t feel nothing until you feel the power of love,

Can you feel it?”

Huey Lewis and The News,  “The Power of Love”

Excerpt from “The Coolness of Josh,” the book I wrote to honor my son Josh.  The power of a father’s love.

Josh was so happy. The two of us were living happily without anyone meddling. This meant a lot to him, a world of healing.

Josh was also my friend. And to him, that was almost like heaven. Josh had not had a place where he could feel at home. He had been welcomed back to home. It was really home to him for the first time in his life. He felt so loved and accepted. For him, it was like a balm of Joy, right on his heart.

One night, as I was writing this story at 2 am, Josh became very present to me. He just started talking:

“You know, Dad, you gave me back all the things I had been robbed of. Well, I felt love and acceptance. You encouraged me to be me, and to live life to the full. After all that pain from Mom, I found new joy with you. I could laugh again and feel loved. I really could say: ‘To life! L’chaim!’

“You talked to me and brought me into your own world, where I could feel things and see things from a fresh way of looking at life. You weren’t angry with me, but confident of my love for you—and your love for me. It was terrible what happened, and you were sorry and you were doing something to fix it. Not out of guilt or regret, but from who you had become now. Dad, you just came at the lowest time and turned my whole world around—from hating myself, and in a way hating you too, to trusting you because you were real.

“Dad, you pushed out my blues, shoved out my fear, kicked out my hate—by just being yourself with me, hating evil and loving good, being real and passionate, and above all, not preachy and not condescending to me. You just redefined everything, as what mattered the most now, was us! ‘Us’ was the place where you wanted to be!”

I always felt that I was the one who benefitted the most—because Josh redefined everything in my life, by making “us” the place where he wanted to be. To me, that was such an honor, because I thought he was the coolest guy.

 

 

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